The secret to ruling the world...

Many…many…many people have dreamed about ruling the world. And so far none have succeeded, not even God. Whom, of all people should have the easiest time. Ah, yes, I almost forgot, the reason he doesn’t rule the world is because he doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, the secret to ruling the world is through a deity and the religious fervor that goes with it. If history has taught us anything it is that; hell hath no fury like a holy war.

Just look at the state of the world today, every monotheistic religion has their nuts (I’m sure the polytheists have their nuts as well, but perhaps they’re just a little more subdued). But not only that, the nuts do whatever they think god wants them to do. Some strap bombs to their chests, others prefer little boys, and some prefer to hate anything that is not white and heterosexual.

So the question is: “How does one unite all of these religious fanatics under one banner?” let alone getting them to sit in the same room. The answer is to become their god and capitalize on the next coming as it will truly be a global event. The down fall of previous prophets/gods/power-mongers was that they didn’t have the internet, TV, or satellite radio. In today’s modern age the only people that will be left out will be are those living in the rainforest.

Now we need to unite them under one banner, how? How do you unite billions of people who share different beliefs, have different cultures, and prefer different types of meat (I don’t know about you but a shitzu does sound tasty). The answer is quite simple, you have to focus on the nuts, the crazy’s. “Now listen here James, if you try to form another cult I’ll kick your ass out of my basement so fast…!!” “Yes mom….”.

Okay, so going the cult route has been vetoed by my mother, but perhaps there is another option. The next ruler of the world needs to set up sleeper cells that slowly recruit people to their ‘training camps’. Don’t forget the lure, you need something to lure people to your cult, people looking for a place to belong. So an edict is sent out to recruit all of the first borns…..err….we’ll settle for the stereotypically disaffected youth. You know the ones who are ‘individuals’ and being themselves. “And for God sakes don’t let the recruits take any lessons this time!!! No flying lessons, no boxing lessons, no whacking lessons….NO LESSONS!” The recruits are commanded to hide out until a large enough force is formed and the time is right.

Jumping forward 30 years, we now have tens of thousands of fat, old, lazy, socially awkward religious nuts holed up all across the world. The time has come to set the plan in motion. “Onward soldiers of GOD (or whatever you choose to call yourself, god does have a nice ring to it though), go forward and reclaim that which is rightfully yours…"

Minutes later, half of them die in the effort required to turn off the tv, another ¼ melt in the sunlight, and the lucky few that don’t die from tubbiness get their asses handed to them by Mounties on big f’n horses.

This all sounds pretty dismal from a ruling the world point of view. But the world has indeed been united, and best of all, all of the religious nuts are dead, keeled over in hallways across the world, and wearing track pants that are possibly soiled.

Brb….some recruitment agent just knocked on my door…